New Family Pictures

The last time we had family pictures taken was back in Dec. 2010 when Zachary was 2 months old, so its about time we got these done!!! My friend here on base is a photographer and gave me a deal and did a wonderful job. I love how they turned out!!!

Schools Out For....

The Summer!!! Yahoo!!!
This week was Allie's last week at Preschool and to celebrate the school put on a picnic for the kids at a fun park somewhere in Colorado (it was about a 30 minute drive from home). But it was fun to see all the kids that were in Allie's class and I was able to talk to her teacher and hear what a good student Allie was. I'm sad that Mrs. Mangan won't be A's teacher next year. I guess her teacher is moving closer to her parents. And I totally understand her doing that, we will be doing that sometime next year (yippee). So when Allie starts school again in the Fall she'll be getting a new teacher. I'm just thankful for all that Mrs. Mangan has done for Allie while she's been in school. She's learned so much and is talking so much more.
We are so proud of Allie and all that she's accomplished these past 4 months! Way to go baby girl! We love you!!!

Allie with her teacher (on the right) and some lady I dont know (guessing she was a helper?? on left)

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Holding her cool "Preschool" certificate

It was a nice day except for the wind! It was so cold when the wind blew - right as I took the picture a huge gust of wing blew and it well...made Allie make this funny face. LOL!

 Zachary just sitting and eating and trying to stay warm

Allie running around the playground. It sure helped her stay warm.

Cute Logan and Allie posing for the camera.

Mommy's Angel

I received my "Forever Child" necklace today. I love LOVE how it turned out. Now I can have a little piece of my Angel baby close to my heart everyday!

Claire Renee Olsen

I'm an aunt again!!! And on the Olsen side ... Finally!!!
Matt and Mandy's adorable baby girl arrived today. They named her Claire Renee Olsen and she weighed 7lbs 8oz 19in. I can't wait to meet her when we go to Utah at the end of the month!! Congrats Matt and Mandy she's beautiful!!! And welcome to the family baby Claire!!!

I love the picture above. Matt with his beautiful baby girl. Brings a tear to my eye. I'm so excited for my little brother :o)

Zach Update

Yesterday I took Zachary back to see his doctor for his weight check. I was really nervous about this visit. This visit would determine if Zachary would go into the hospital or not so yeah I was freaking out a little. Well Zachary weighed in at ...... 19lbs. I was like crap! They are going to hospitalize him for sure, he only gained 5oz. The doctor came in, looked at me and said, "Looks like he gained some weight so he wont need to be hospitalized today." I was like, WHAT really?? I was so happy! The doctor explained even though it was only 5oz, according to the growth chart thing the doctors use, Zachary's weight have moved a little bit along with the curve so that was a good thing. So he's okay for now :) But he has to be seen monthly until he is actually on the curve and honestly who knows when that will be? I'm just happy he doesnt have to live in the hospital for now. I'm one happy mama!! All the tests that he had done last month came back negative so thats good and now he has to go get one more test done - its a sweat test to rule out Cystic Fibrosis. I dont know what to say about that right now? Until he has the test done and get the results I just dont know what to say so please dont ask me.

One Week...

Its been one week since our baby left us. I'll be honest with you, I really didn't think I would get through this. Especially with my depression, I thought I would sink into this whole and never come out of it. Last week was pretty much hell for me. Thursday was when I had my D&C. Everything went smoothly just as we expected, well except for the part where I passed out when the nurse was taking my blood. I couldn't believe I did that, but what do you expect? I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since 10:00pm the night before so yeah I'm sure it would have happened to someone else. Todd thought it was pretty funny. But other than the passing out (which I am so so embarrassed about) everything went okay.
I am doing better (today) than I thought I would. I know I'll have moments here and there where I'll just break down and cry and I've had a few of them already this week especially yesterday. But today, emotionally and physically I'm doing well. I do miss my baby so much and I think about him/her all the time. For Mothers Day, the kids and Todd got me some beautiful white roses and I was able to order a heart shaped charmed necklace with baby feet on the front of the charm and on the back is

"Mommys Angel

5/08/2012"

Its my little way of having something to remember the baby by. I cant wait to get it!!! I know I'm jumping all over the place on the post, but I again just want to thank all my friends and family for their love and support. This was definitely a hard time for my family and we just want to thank you!! You all mean the world to me!

Our Baby Grew His/Her Wings

Some say they are too beautiful for this Earth, others say they are so special God hand picks them as his Angels... however you phrase it, Heaven has it's newest Angel Baby... MINE.

After having Zachary, we decided we didn't want anymore kids so I went on birth control - the Mirena, but ended up getting it taken out in Jan 2012 due to the pain it was causing me. So I then went on the NuvaRing but for some reason and don't ask me how, I miss read the directions and ended up getting pregnant for the third time. I found out I was pregnant with baby #3 on March 11th. Now I was devastated about this. I didn't want anymore kids, I thought I could barely take care of the two I had now so how could I take care of three? I felt stupid, hurt, confused, and just couldn't understand why this happened other than the obvious - that I was stupid for messing up my birth control but I guess God had other plans for us ... Right? Well over the past 2 months I had developed a severe case of morning sickness. I was actually diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum. I wasn't able to keep anything down (food and/or liquid) and because of that I was admitted multiple times into the hospital, on many anti nausea drugs (including the Zofran pump) and got IV fluids multiple times as well. I just was miserable. I kept thinking I was being punished for not wanting the baby in the beginning but over time I grew to love the baby growing inside me and was getting excited for 3 kids :) We even had our baby's name picked out for when we found out the gender, so yeah we were getting excited to become a family of 5.

Yesterday I headed to meet my high risk doctor for the first time. We talked about what was needed to be done for the future and then he wanted me to get the first trimester screening ultrasound. So I headed in the room excited to see my baby. The minute the tech put the wand on my belly I knew something was wrong. Baby wasn't moving and I couldn't see the heart beating. The tech kept saying "I'm having a hard time see the heartbeat", so she went and got the doctor and by then I knew my baby was gone. The doctor came in, patted my leg and said "I'm sorry, but let me try and look okay." But had no luck. He said baby was measuring right on for 12 weeks so he/she must have passed away with in the past 24-48 hours and it looked like the umbilical cord was blocked so the blood couldn't get to the baby. But I wont know for sure what happened (with the cord that is) till I have my D&C. I have it scheduled for tomorrow. I'm really nervous about it. I heard it will take about 3-4 weeks to get the results from the doctor so we'll hopefully know why our baby passed and maybe learn the gender as well.

I never have thought in a million years this would happen to me? Why me? I was so sick those past two months and now I don't get to hold my baby, why??? I just don't understand and I never will. Its not fair!!! I cant help but blame myself for what happened. Even after talking to my parents, others that have been through this, and my doctor (who all say it had nothing to do with me), I still can't help but feel guilty. Did I take too many meds? Was I too sick and baby didn't get enough nutrients? Did I drink too many caffeine drinks? I don't know? I just don't know where to put the blame but its there and for now I don't see it going away!!

As mad as I am with God right now, I still am so thankful for the blessing in my life right now. My loving husband, my two beautiful children, whom I can hug, kiss and rock to sleep at night. I'm also thankful for my family and friends that have helped me through this rough pregnancy and that have been there for me these past couple days. I read on another blog somewhere, where they too lost their baby and while the mother was rocking her other child to sleep she couldn't help but pray to our Heavenly Father and ask him to please rock her angel baby to sleep. After I read that I couldn't help but feel that same way...especially as I write this post. So before I go to bed tonight and every night after this, I'm going to pray and ask my Heavenly Father, "Please, will you rock MY baby to sleep tonight?"

I love and miss you baby and I know we'll be reunited again one day!!!

Through The Kids Eyes

Allie and Zachary love getting a hold of my phone and playing with the camera. I happened to look at the pictures they "took" one day and just had to laugh :o) They are so funny and cute and wanted to share the pictures. From what it looks like most were taken upstairs in the hallway and downstairs in the bathroom. Not sure why they chose the bathroom (maybe to hid from me??) but they still turned out funny!!